Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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