Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All the doctor said was why
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
