my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
