I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
