So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
