So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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