So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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