fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
