I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
