I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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