and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
