he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize