I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
