I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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