The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize