there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
