chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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