Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
