I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
