I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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