Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
