I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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