hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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