Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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