i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
