I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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