I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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