Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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