its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
