I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
