Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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