I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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