Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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