Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
