Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
