my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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