When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
