The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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