i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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