He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
