I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
