everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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