Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
