I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
