well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
