She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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