I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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