I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
