Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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