Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
