the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
