i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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