I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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