At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
try to milk me bitch
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