how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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