I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize