i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
