remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
