I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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